The message on the picture beside this post is the exact message I want to tell you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that no matter how hard I tried since I was a child, you still see me as a disappointment, maybe worst, a disgrace. I really gave my everything to make you proud of me in every way that I can. But I failed. I'm sorry that despite all the things I have achieved, I'm still a failure for you. I am very sorry, really really sorry that I didn't turn out to be the way you wanted me to be. I know how much you wanted me to become a lawyer, I'll never forget that! That was my initial strength when I decided to go to law school despite uncertainty if I'll make it, that is always the first reason I always say when asked why I want to become a lawyer, because you want me to - because I want it too - because that's the only way I can make you proud of me.
I'm sorry that at the age of only 22, I'm gonna have a baby out of wedlock, I know how much it hurts you, believe me, Ma, it hurts me too. It hurts me so much because I know you are expecting so much from me because you know that I can. You know that whatever happens, I will become the person you believed me to be. I can't help but cry whenever I think about how you reacted about this blessing that unexpectedly came into my life. When I was not so young, I imagined myself having a baby, I thought to myself I'll teach her how to call you "Mamita" or "Wowa" or whatever endearment you'd like her to learn. I told myself, we'll visit you every weekend and we can have lunch together as a big family, I imagine you smiling at me thinking how proud you are of me for raising a happy family. It ended up differently, you've heard of the news, days, weeks, months have passed by still no message from you. You never even asked me of how my baby's going, how my check-ups turn out.
Macey is now on her way to her 32nd week this coming Friday and I can't feel any prouder of myself for continuing my pregnancy despite what other people might think of me, despite the reaction I know I'll be getting from you. I know your initial reaction is only triggered by your emotion as Mom dreaming big for her daughter, but it's still not the end Ma, I still got plenty of time to make you proud of me, but this time, it's not only for you, the pressure will be doubled. Whatever I'll do in the future will affect not only you but also my own family so I'll really do my best to be extra careful with my decisions.
I know, any kind of apology won't compare to the pain you are feeling now, I understand. I really do. I'm now becoming a Mom and if I were in your shoes, I might feel the same way, the only difference is, I will never ever make my daughter feel more neglected because that's the most painful feeling a person could feel from her parents, from her mother.
Christmas is fast approaching and OB told me to expect Macey this coming December, I thought of you when I heard of my due, I told myself, there's a chance for the both of you to have the same birthday, if that happens, I wish it's a sign, that time will come, you'll knock on my door with open arms, pure acceptance and happiness about this wonderful blessing from God. Those are the only things I wish to have this Christmas, a healthy baby and a loving and supportive family beside me.
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