I'm sorry, Ma! - An Open Letter for my Mother

Dear Ma,

The message on the picture beside this post is the exact message I want to tell you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that no matter how hard I tried since I was a child, you still see me as a disappointment, maybe worst, a disgrace. I really gave my everything to make you proud of me in every way that I can. But I failed. I'm sorry that despite all the things I have achieved, I'm still a failure for you. I am very sorry, really really sorry that I didn't turn out to be the way you wanted me to be. I know how much you wanted me to become a lawyer, I'll never forget that! That was my initial strength when I decided to go to law school despite uncertainty if I'll make it, that is always the first reason I always say when asked why I want to become a lawyer, because you want me to - because I want it too - because that's the only way I can make you proud of me.

I'm sorry that at the age of only 22, I'm gonna have a baby out of wedlock, I know how much it hurts you, believe me, Ma, it hurts me too. It hurts me so much because I know you are expecting so much from me because you know that I can. You know that whatever happens, I will become the person you believed me to be. I can't help but cry whenever I think about how you reacted about this blessing that unexpectedly came into my life. When I was not so young, I imagined myself having a baby, I thought to myself I'll teach her how to call you "Mamita" or "Wowa" or whatever endearment you'd like her to learn. I told myself, we'll visit you every weekend and we can have lunch together as a big family, I imagine you smiling at me thinking how proud you are of me for raising a happy family. It ended up differently, you've heard of the news, days, weeks, months have passed by still no message from you. You never even asked me of how my baby's going, how my check-ups turn out.

Macey is now on her way to her 32nd week this coming Friday and I can't feel any prouder of myself for continuing my pregnancy despite what other people might think of me, despite the reaction I know I'll be getting from you. I know your initial reaction is only triggered by your emotion as Mom dreaming big for her daughter, but it's still not the end Ma, I still got plenty of time to make you proud of me, but this time, it's not only for you, the pressure will be doubled. Whatever I'll do in the future will affect not only you but also my own family so I'll really do my best to be extra careful with my decisions.

I know, any kind of apology won't compare to the pain you are feeling now, I understand. I really do. I'm now becoming a Mom and if I were in your shoes, I might feel the same way, the only difference is, I will never ever make my daughter feel more neglected because that's the most painful feeling a person could feel from her parents, from her mother.

Christmas is fast approaching and  OB told me to expect Macey this coming December, I thought of you when I heard of my due, I told myself, there's a chance for the both of you to have the same birthday, if that happens, I wish it's a sign, that time will come, you'll knock on my door with open arms, pure acceptance and happiness about this wonderful blessing from God. Those are the only things I wish to have this Christmas, a healthy baby and a loving and supportive family beside me.

Before I was a Mom

Things I want my Baby Macey to remember..

I came across a post from The Metaverse Mod Squad here and came to realize that these 10 Things below are also the same things I want my Baby Macey to always remember specially now that we live in a very high-tech world, where with just a click of your finger, things might change and even affect we live our lives. These are also the same things I am most worried about for the future of my little earthling. So, I wish to share this to every parents and future parents out there to always remind their children of the reasons why we can't stand youth these days :)

1. Duck lips: Don’t do it. Whatever the future version of “Instagram” is when you’re digitally active – avoid the duck lips at all costs, UNLESS you’re dressed like a duck.  It’s not cute, sweet heart, I don’t care what your friends do or say.
2. Nudey pics: There’s a time and a place, and it’s when you’re a baby in the bathtub – and I promise, I won’t post those online (I’ll only show them to your future fian–oh god, I’m getting ahead of myself – where has the time gone? You’re not even born yet! *sob*).  We’ve all had our parents take those nudey bathtub pics, yes.  But that’s where it should end.  Don’t take nudey pics.
3. Potty language: Just because your friends think its fun to curse and say rude things on Twitter doesn’t mean that it’s going to be fun for you when I see it.  And if you think you can hide a Twitter or Facebook account from me? Think again – you don’t know who your momma is…. I will stalk you until the ends of your days. Not a threat – a promise.
4. Your behavior online is a reflection of me.  Straight up. Your actions online affect me, our family, my livelihood, and future meals on the table.  Not enough people explain this to their children – but it is the truth.  Even when you’re 40 years old, and I’m aging beautifully in my Squatter’s apartment on Main Street in Disney World (long story), your actions will reflect who I am, your aunt & uncle, your grandparents, your best friends, and our family name.  Have pride in us.
5. Empathy & Understanding.  It’s hard growing up these days (or in the future days, which I don’t understand yet), particularly online where you can see inner thoughts of developing minds splashed across profiles and smart phone applications.  If you mess up, I will understand – as long as you help me understand. And that goes for your friends – if they mess up, forgive them and find a way to move forward.  There’s no such thing as “black & white” – ask for meaning and context, be curious and loving.  It’s the Muppet way.
6. “Because I said so.” -> if I say this, I am sorry.  I’m tired or frustrated, and I need a moment.  Take a breath, maybe gimme a wee hug, and say “Momma, I don’t understand.” You will win a legit response every time.
7. Getting into spats with peers / trolls / friends / siblings: They’re going to happen.  Remind me to tell you about Sweet Brown.  She has this lovely message that I’ve really taken to my heart.  Because, at the end of the day, getting hurt by someone else?  Yeah: “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”  We can discuss further over dinner.
8. The exception: Bullies.  Bullies are bored, bothered, sad creatures who are missing a piece of themselves.  They strive to be cruel because they are not-whole.  If you’re being bullied, it’s because they see that you have that piece they are missing, and they’re jealous.  Bullies will always exist.  Bullies try to make you weak, and they’re difficult to vanquish, but when you do, you will gain 2x the strength, as long as you do it with respect and understanding.  I will help you.  I will help your friends.  Together we will be clever, strong, and we will remove the bully, or we will help the bully find his/her missing piece.
9. Please remember how special you are.  It’s because you’re special that I ask you to keep parts of your “truth” private.  Privacy will always be an asset and always be a challenge.  The idea of a “stranger” online is still being defined.  The digital world allows for so many new interactions, and I never want to stifle your curiosity in other people, cultures, or ideals.  I just need you to understand that YOU have a responsibility of keeping yourself safe, and that entails quite a bit of cleverness on your part.  We must be like Clark Kent, and protect our identities in order to protect our families, friends, and our personal safety.  I will explain to you what “private information” is a thousand times, and you (via osmosis) will become an expert about safety and online behavior.  Sometimes, though, it will be easy to let your guard down and share with someone – talk to me if this happens.
10. I’m sorry that I’m a horrible mom and won’t let you charge your smart phone in your room after lights-out.  I know I “suck” for not allowing a TV or a computer or a tablet or a laptop to exist as a feature in your bedroom.  It just ain’t gonna happen, dumpling.  Maybe when you’re 16 and can drive a (flying?) car, we’ll talk about it.  Until then: “Yes, I am a terrible mommola, and no, it’s not going to happen.”

Excerpt from:  AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FUTURE CHILD WHO DOESN’T EXIST 

So much more... By Cathy Whitten

I'd like to share this song to all the Moms, Dads and kids who happens to pass by my blog. This exactly express how I feel for my future daughter Baby Macey. I think all of us feel the same way, if there's anything that we can do to protect our children, we'll do it by all means even if it means hurting us. How I wish I can also write a song for my own child, but lacking a composer's skill and writer's talent let me just express how I feel through this song :)